I am usually a pretty big fan of Huffington Post.  I often find their articles funny, insightful, refreshing, and generally pleasant to read.  There’s been many a day that HP (not Harry Potter this time folks!) is where I get a bulk of my news from. Previously long commutes and all, CNN can get a bit depressing after the 1st hour so HP was my go-to.

Anyway, HP is usually very close, if not spot on, with my views of life, liberty, and the pursuit of chaos in good ole’ USofA. Recently however, I read an article that just did not sit well with me.

Why Women Leave Men They Love: What Every Man Needs to Know

…….

Ladies, I am all about advocating for women’s rights, and in most cases consider myself a feminist.  In the case of this article though, I have to say:

SPARE ME.

Ironically, the article was written by a man.  So maybe my gripe is more with this so called counselor that has come up with apparently what he thinks is some revelation in the male/female dynamic.  But I can’t help but question what kind of couples this man interacted with to come up with this information.

Here’s the thing. A man (or a woman) can love their partner more than many things in life, but it is my opinion that if they themselves don’t feel fulfilled then that love won’t save their relationship.

A woman may gripe and moan that her husband “isn’t present”, as the article states, however what ELSE does she have going on in her life? Is she counting solely on a man to create the relationship, to keep it going, to keep it enticing, is SHE 100% happy wither HERSELF before she’s worrying about her man being in her life, husband or boyfriend.

Now before I get an Ayesha Curry lash out, yes, a man should be present in his relationship. He should be doting on his wife/girlfriend. He should be loving, and caring, and communicating, and being everything she is looking for if he chose to be with her in the first place.  The woman however, should not be depending on her man as her sole purpose of happiness and should not BLAME him for a lack in their relationship if she is not out there doing other things to keep herself happy as well.

With that being said, it is my belief that more often then we like to admit, women can use the excuse “he wasn’t there for me” as a reason to walk away from a relationship when in reality, there was something else missing within herself that she needed to accomplish before she could be happy with her partner.

And the best part? THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT! That is why I say ladies, OWN UP!

You can love someone wholeheartedly and truly see yourself building a future with them, but maybe, just maybe you’re not being honest with yourself and that is not the future (or the only version of it) that you want.  So you start looking for reasons or things to say that your partner isn’t there for you or he isn’t “present”.

As a very independent women in a relationship I sometimes find myself wondering if my life would be different if I were not tied down.  Sometimes I’ve gone so far as to say to myself, “am I truly happy? or just content?” Then I’ll find myself thinking, “well he doesn’t listen to me” or “he never asks me about the books I’m reading” and “I wish he paid the same attention to me as he does to the Odell Beckham.”

Then I catch myself, and I realize it’s not HIM I have the issue with it’s me. What I’m doing, or not doing, with my life.  (And Odell Beckham, I have a problem with Odell Beckham and his hair. But that’s another blog.)

I catch myself and I realize that I need to own that. If I truly felt UN-happy that’s OK too, but I need to accept that it’s not anything he is doing/has done and that IF I decided to leave (which btw babe, I have no intention of doing I love you and your turtle ears) but IF I did decide to leave it wouldn’t be because he didn’t listen to me or wasn’t “looking into me. seeing me deeply.” It would be because although I love him, there is still more I need to do with my life besides be a wife, a mother, and a homemaker. [note: I’m lucky enough to be with someone who not only understands that, but respects & admires my drive to achieve my own version of success so shout out to him and his big brown eyes]

Even just asking myself questions like that is OK. It allows me to re-evaluate myself, my relationship, and my current state of mind. It’s healthy. More importantly I’m holding MYSELF accountable as 1/2 of a partnership.

And I repeat THAT’S OK!

But as a women, I need to own that. I need to own that my happiness should not rely on whether he wants to watch football instead of listening to my blog drafts when I want to read them out loud.

So Justice Schanfarber, I need you to relax a little on the male gender, and also understand that sometimes a woman can use a scapegoat same as her burly counterpart. Furthermore, a woman is strong enough, independent enough, and ultimately determined enough to write her own story should she feel the need. (and that need doesn’t necessarily have to have anything to do with her man) As a therapist you should be looking a little deeper than that and checking the bigger picture.

And ladies, remember that it’s OK to love someone and NOT be with them if it means fulfilling yourself first. Go out and get the new job, live in a new city, and start over as a new & better version of yourself if that’s what you need to do. But don’t take out a man for being who HE is.

After all, you know who you need to be and it’s up to YOU to live a fulfilled life. Even if sometimes that means walking alone for a little while. 

Just make sure you own it.