Lately I’ve been contemplating at what age it is you accept yourself for who you actually are? Not who you want to be, who you’re trying to become, or who others see you as. I mean truly accept yourself?

I feel like I struggle with this because for most of my life I watched my mother be so very complacent with her place and status in life, while always hating herself deeply. Which is what kept her stuck. I’ve vowed for as long as I can remember to NEVER be like her. In any of the ways she was.

I think this thought pattern created a hatred in me for words like complacent and comfortable. Therefore when I think about “accepting” myself, it was automatically synonymous with those words and words like them that meant never growing or becoming the BEST version of me.

But I’ve been wondering more now, as I get older it would appear, if those things are the same. Is accepting yourself becoming “complacent” with who you are and therefore never getting better or reaching your *gasps in drama* POTENTIAL?!

And IS age a factor? I remember hearing my elders always tell me “oh you’ll understand when you’re older” and I f*cking hated it. Despised actually. Because I never was quite old enough.

I remember when the women who I was raised by would tell me- “you’ll understand when you’re older.” It used to make my blood BOIL. As if there was some secret you suddenly became privy to after a certain age. You would just have it all figured out when you were older.

And the age always seemed to be changing.

When I was a small child my cousins in their teens would tell me- you’ll understand when you’re older.

When I was 15 those same cousins in their 20’s would would tell me- you’ll understand when you’re older.

When I was in my 20’s my aunts in their 50’s would tell me- you’ll understand when you’re older.

Now I’m in my 30’s and, well, it’s the cousins AND the aunts (and a slew of someone else’s aunts & cousins in the work world) who remind me that I’ll understand when I’m older. Granted it’s not so much in words as it is in facial expression but I suspect that’s because 20 year old me was VERY vocal about their condescending foreshadowing.

Either way with this ever changing age of understanding constantly on the horizon, I’m wondering if understanding is simply a synonym for acceptance and if acceptance in fact is not just another word for complacency but of true self realization?

Aging is a funny thing, if age even has anything to do with it of course *inner teenager eye roll*